Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?

August 9, 2016 Torey Wright

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Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?

I dated a guy last Saturday and it went pretty well. Before ending the date, he asked to meet not only for a second time but also created an excuse to meet for a third time. In short, he talked as if we are going to meet in the future a lot more. Right after, I got on the train, I received a message from him repeating the same twice. First, he expressed that he was happy to meet me and wanted to meet again. Then, there was a bit of small talk and towards the end of this small talk, he repeated his desire to meet me again. Then, I asked him something related to what we talked before. Yet, he hasn’t answered me since then. It has been two days. Being busy felt a bit like an excuse to me as the next day was a Sunday. Or, despite not answering my little question from that night, would he expect me to send a message now after expressing his wish to meet me many times? He hasn’t read even my message. That’s why I felt that I should not text him but rather he should. I feel confused…

Well, it could be one of two things. Either the guys really genuinely do like you and do want to go on a date or they don’t and they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

If they did want to go on a second date with you, then maybe the reason they’re not calling you is because they don’t think you’re into them. Guys can be somewhat uneasy at first when they meet a woman. It varies from guy to guy (and also depends on how many women he’s dated), but sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in order for a guy to know that a woman likes him.

As guys get more experienced with women, they generally know that their best bet is to assume the woman is interested in them and act accordingly (respectfully, of course). However, not all guys come from this place of internal validation and they look to the woman for signs to see if she’s attracted. Meanwhile, if the woman is guarded, playing hard-to-get or just not a very expressive type of person, the guy will feel like “she’s not that into him”.

I mean, it is possible that these guys don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they say they’ll go on another date, but from what you described it does sound a little odd to have 3 different guys do virtually the same thing.

Now a woman might ask, “What are things that women might unconsciously do that signal to a guy that she’s not interested.” Off the top of my head, I would say:

-Texting/taking a phone call during a date (I mean, if you genuinely have to and you’re apologetic, that’s fine. Otherwise, red flag.)

-Not smiling.

-Not really participating in the conversation. He talks and you respond with a minimal response and an unexcited tone.

-Actively showing disinterest in talking with him – paying attention to other things happening in the room, checking the time, etc. etc.

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Guys aren’t anti-relationship. Guys will get into a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in them and who they feel great being with. But if you communicate to him that a relationship with him is going to be some kind of life-preserver or crutch or key to being happy, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship. His feeling is that he’s got enough problems of his own to deal with without having to take on someone else’s.

However, these are definitely not the types of things that a woman would say outright. I can’t imagine a woman saying, “I am pretty miserable, but I want you to date me because I think it will make me feel better.” Who knows… maybe some women have.
A big thing that I noticed for many men today is, a serious lack of maturity. The number of single women is most major city in the world, women wildly outnumbers men. There are so many women to choose from, so it’s easy for them to lose their focus, and run after someone else, until someone else comes along, etc etc.

Not To Mention The Dating Market Might Actually Be Worse For Educated Straight Women
In this environment, educated heterosexual women who wish to date men who also graduated college must navigate a playing field in which guys have significantly more dating prospects, a phenomenon Jon Birger calls the “man deficit.” In Birger’s new book Date-onomics centers around this very concept, and offers a not-so-romantic aerial view of the contemporary dating landscape.

“A lot of the women who I talked to about this felt like they must be doing something wrong or it must be their fault,” he said. “I think, for at least some of them, it was reassuring to know that it wasn’t just in their heads.”

In conversation with The Huffington Post, Birger explained exactly how the “man deficit” plays out, who has better odds in the dating pool and what women might want to do once they understand the demographics:

Your theory centers around the concept of a “man deficit.” What exactly does that mean?

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Some Men Just Want Sex
Guys want sex.
It does not matter how she acts on the date. If she seems “too eager”, guys consider it as a greater change they will get sex.
No sex?
They move on to someone else.
They have not vanished; they are with someone else.

So if you feel like you might fall into the category of being too eager for a date or relationship, then it would be worthwhile to start exploring ways to enjoy your life more in it of itself. Enjoy being with your friends, enjoy doing things that you love, enjoy what you’re doing in the meantime. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your life so much that you could be perfectly content not having a date or a boyfriend for a while. When you learn to love life while being single, love inevitably finds you. (Yuck, so cliche, but it seemed like a nice ending and it’s true.)

I hope you’ve found some guy deserving of your time and please don’t dwell over these guys – they’re inability to at least inform you that they aren’t interested says plenty about how much of a “man” they are.

Hope it helps!

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