As we all know, trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Everything else grows out of the trust you have for one another: Your sense of safety, the feeling of companionship and even your love for one another depends on trust.
For couples that have had to deal with infidelity, there is hope!
Though many couples choose to end a relationship or even a marriage because of an affair, there are still some who trudge on and end up with a relationship that’s stronger than ever.
What doesn’t kill your relationship can make it stronger, after all.
But when you see couples that have endured through the rocky phases, and come out stronger than ever, you can still cling to hope and try to make your own romance bloom even after it seems to have withered away. Here's how:
Transparency/Open Book: The Most Critical Factor in Restoring the Trust
Your man must agree to being completely a open book. I’ve learned about the importance of transparency after an affair from Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s “How to Survive an Affair” program, and it’s the most important thing you and your husband need to address right now, before it’s too late.
At least for right now to restore some trust and honest again, your boyfriend or husband needs to understand that complete transparency is the only direct way to rebuilding your trust in him.
No more weird phone calls, no more evenings out without a call home, no more secret mails and social media accounts.
With time, complete transparency will bring the trust back to your relationship and make room for rebuilding the love.
But what does this complete transparency look like?
The after the affair agreement is a list of changes both of you agree to make (but especially the cheating one obviously), to start the process of rebuilding the trust in your relationship.
The After The Affair Agreement:
1. My cell phone texts, contact list, pictures and calls are not a secret and can be viewed freely by my spouse. The cheating spouse will close out any e-mail accounts or telephone numbers associated with affair.
2. My Facebook account, including private messages, is not a secret and can be viewed anytime by my spouse.
3. I will not delete or hide any text message or Facebook message or e-mail of any kind.
4. I will let my spouse know exactly where I am at any point during the day. I will not make my spouse wonder where I am or what I’m doing.
5. I will call and explain in detail if I am to change my plans. For example, if I am going to be late from work – I will call before hand and explain.
6. If I go out socially without my spouse, I will let him/her exactly who I am going to meet and where.
7. I will try to share more about my work, new people who come into the office and conversations with colleagues (female and male).
8. I will make it a priority to be available on my cell phone when my spouse calls.
9. I will offer to share more about my life, the things that trouble me (or make me happy) – As much as possible.
This agreement required your Signature and his Signature.
But Why the Post Affair Agreement is Not Enough
It may take some time, but committing to the after affair agreement will slowly (yet effectively) restore the trust in your relationship, and in your heart.
But you can’t stop there.
Remember, You Was a Victim to This Affair
I know some women have pretty tough skin but you need some time to heal. Because, I know exactly how you feel—believe me. But if you truly love your man and feel that you can get past this, here are some 4 steps you can take to make this happen.
1. Listen and try to understand. I know it’s really hard to understand why he would do such a thing to you, but he probably had no intention of hurting you at all. It could be his own personal problems that he’s working through. Listen to his reasons and try to understand where he’s coming from—even if it doesn’t make sense to you.
2. Talk about how you feel. Let it ALL out. I mean it. If you have to throw a temper tantrum that makes a bratty 3-year-old look like a perfect angel, then do it now! You need to tell him how you feel and get all of your emotions out. Holding onto feelings is like holding onto resentment, and that will hinder any progress you’re hoping to make toward surviving this incident.
3. Don’t blame yourself. This will only hurt you further. It’s not your fault. Whatever his reasons are, it’s not your fault that he cheated. Realizing this will go far as you learn to forgive them.
4. Try to trust them. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen right away, but try to trust them again. If they came to you about this and really want to fix things, then you have to give it your all to make it right, too. Try to trust that what they say is true and that their actions will match their words.
Next, it’s time to really face your emotions and rebuild the love in your marriage, if you want to make it better than ever.
It’s NOT impossible.
Trust CAN be restored.
Love CAN be rebuilt.
A marriage CAN survive an affair and become better than ever.
You just need the right knowledge, and the willingness to make an effort.
What do you think? Is it possible to restore the trust after an affair?